I thought I had seen it all…..until I saw what happened that Monday morning in April. It was absurd, like something more likely to be seen outside a bar or a fraternity house during pledge week. I’d like to believe it was just a momentary lapse of nature's decision to call; a blip on the human movement radar, but alas, it certainly appeared to be much bigger and way worse.
I arrived in the nick of time, unfortunate enough to witness the whole occurrence. Time seemed to almost stop while it was happening, although the entire thing really only took about 10-12 seconds to pinch off a tab of history. It’s still hard to process the strangeness; the science behind it still doesn’t make sense to me. Plus, it was just gross.
My therapist recommended I do this: journal the whole thing exactly as I remember it, keeping precise on the smallest of details, while also trying to fill in any blanks I may have missed. Thank God I wasn’t the only one there. There were others who also did their best to remain out of shock's way while also trying not to stare, scream, or inhale.
There are websites dedicated to this sort of shit. I imagine there are probably support groups helping people cope with the effects of this kind of behavior. The more I think about it, it makes me angry. Why am I now the one who has to carve valuable time out of my busy schedule to learn how and why this crap is affecting me? Ugh.
They tell me it’s because I don’t understand; I’m not ‘one of them.' They tell me ‘it happens all the time’, and ‘it’s really not all that uncommon’. All I have to say in rebuttal is, “Perhaps revamping the perspective of this particular community’s actions and the commonality therein, may be a worthwhile exercise for this segment of the population”.
It’s ludicrous. Terribly unexpected and inconvenient and horrible; just horrible. The horror of it all. The culprit should be ashamed of themselves. At least have the common decency and forethought to separate your human self from that of beast; from monster to primate. Is the theory of evolution not owed the tiniest sliver of respect, and a gifted rejoicing celebrating the wonder of us anthropoids?!
I think about all this while stationed in my front yard in Natick, Massachusetts. I have a flat shovel in hand, and I am wearing a newly-purchased hazmat suit complete with hood, cinched ankles, and gloves. My breathing apparatus is strapped tight, creating a thick film of fog over the eye protection. This is it. It’s almost over now. In just a few minutes, life can go back to normal, almost.
I may never understand it, nor do I really ever want to.
Today, on this day, Monday April 17th, the year 2023, I will go where no local homeowner has yet been. I will stake my claim in my own front yard; standing up to those who squat and squander. Yes, this is me.
I will scoop and dispose of this rashly-placed pile of twisted feces, which plopped from the ass of a crouching female Boston marathon runner.
Written on 4/25/23 by an anonymous source who witnessed a living human being discharge feces onto his front yard.